How to Buy a Baby

An infertile couple dives deep into the world of adoption and learns what it REALLY takes to become parents.

After answering questions about the type of child they are willing to adopt (did the birth mother use heroine during her pregnancy?), Jane and Charlie welcome their adoption worker, Stan, into their home, for an inspection. Baby gates, electrical outlets, missing railings, and an unassuming sex life are all put under the microscope to help determine if they’re ready to be parents.

Jane and Charlie attend their 27 hours of mandatory parenting training where they must wear name tags and participate in exercises and, really, who likes doing anything that requires wearing a name tag? Their casual glibness towards adoption is put in check as they consider, perhaps for the first time, the experience of the child they hope to parent.

Getting the attention of a birth parent mother will require an amazing online profile. But inputting their favourite books, music and food proves harder than they thought. How do you summarize the person that you are and the parent you hope to be in naming your favourite cereal? And what if the birth mother doesn’t like cereal?!

Jane and Charlie awkwardly attend a gender reveal party for one of Charlie’s cousins. Jane is horrified to discover that Charlie has sent their adoption profile to his mother, who in turn shared it with the rest of the family. Jane is put on the spot and helps a cousin commiserate about her inability to have a child - strike that - her inability to have a third child.

It’s happening! It’s finally happening! After months of not hearing from a single potential birth parent, Jane and Charlie finally have an adoption date with Sasha, a potential birth mother. Okay, so in all the times she’s dreamed of this moment, Jane didn’t picture Charlie showing up high (it was an accident!) or that Sasha’s boyfriend would come in her place, but it is no matter – Jane is certain that this is it.

Okay, sure, the last potential adoption match failed but this one is the one. For sure. It definitely is. Jane and Charlie are excited to have been chosen by Margot, another birth mother. A university student, Margot had been going back and forth about adoption her whole pregnancy but once she met Jane and Charlie she was certain she wanted to make an adoption plan for her precious baby.

Jane and Charlie attend an adoption orientation with the Ontario Ministry in the hopes they will be considered for a public adoption. So too, it seems, has every other hopeful adoptive couple in the province. They are one of so many couples that look exactly like them (though the others are much less funny, no!?). How is this ever going to happen for them? Are they willing to consider an older child? How much older? Would they foster to adopt? Jane and Charlie learn more about adoption and must reconsider the type of parents they thought they would be.

Jane and Charlie attend the Ministry’s Adoption conference where child welfare societies profile sweet, wonderful, adorable, children who are in need of loving homes. It’s fucked. Overwhelmed by the event, Charlie wonders why they would ever be chosen as parents for these incredible children. These kids deserve the very best parents and he wonders if he and Jane are truly the very best potential parents out there. Are they worthy of becoming these children’s parents?

Jane is woken up in the middle of the night by a severely postpartum woman who wants Jane to come and take her baby immediately. Jane does her best to calm the woman, but she is not a social worker. Her phone number is listed on the Internet and she is not qualified to field such calls from people in crisis. The pain of this journey, of all the people she has intersected with on this journey becomes too much for Jane to bear.

Jane and Charlie are called by the Ministry about two sweet boys for whom they may be the right fit. They are tasked with preparing a Plan of Care to demonstrate how they plan to care for the boys: will the boys be going to daycare, school? If so which ones? What will their rooms look like in Jane and Charlie’s home? What professionals will Jane and Charlie be engaging to assist the boys? It is a lot for Jane and Charlie to consider.